Relationship Reactivity

Relationships often face challenges that can lead to disconnection, but the root cause of these struggles is often deeper than just external circumstances. As Dr. Julia Colwell highlights in her work, relationships end not because of the surface-level issues but due to a lack of emotional alignment, where partners resist each other's feelings and needs. The key to reigniting passion and love lies in understanding and expressing emotions authentically, moving from reactive states to creative, solution-oriented thinking. By learning to process emotions through physical sensations and focusing on empathy and connection, couples can shift from conflict to collaboration, rekindling the passion and intimacy that initially brought them together.

"The Key to the Kingdom"
Mastering emotional awareness and regulation is essential for transformation.

1. Why Do Relationships End?

If it happens in my body, you can't argue with it.

• Core Issue: Disconnection and failure to understand each other.
• Solution: Foster intimacy by connecting through sensations and awareness.
  • Sensations: The meeting point of awareness and the body.
  • Mirror Neurons: Facilitate empathy by allowing us to feel and resonate with others' emotions, fostering genuine connection.
  • Creating Connection: True connection happens when we deeply hear and understand each other’s emotions and experiences.
  • Being Heard: When you truly listen to me, acknowledging not just my words but my feelings and sensations, you create space for deeper intimacy.
  • Understanding the Body: Recognizing and validating what’s happening in my body—my sensations—is at the core of emotional intimacy and connection.

Key Insight: "Understanding what's happening in my body—that's what intimacy is."

2. The Two Minds and Their Functions

• "Get to the shore. Get out of reactive brain into creative brain because if you are in creative brain, you can solve any problem. There is no problem—it’s suddenly full of possibilities." (Timecode: 51:40)
  • The Metaphor Explained
    • The reactive brain is likened to being caught in a swift, dangerous river—overwhelmed by fear, anger, or sadness.
    • To "get to the shore" means finding emotional stability and transitioning into a state where constructive thinking and collaboration are possible.

Material-Mind🧱 - Reactive Brain 🧠🤯

The reactive brain is a survival mechanism designed to detect and respond to threats. While essential in emergencies, it can hinder creativity, connection, and problem-solving in everyday life.

Characteristics

• Concrete, survival-oriented thinking that prioritizes immediate action over deeper reflection.
• Keeps 75% of people in reactive states, leading to disconnection and stagnation.
• Impairs cognitive function, making it difficult to think clearly or solve problems effectively.
• Creates stress and limits collaboration by fostering defensive behaviors.

Key Actions to Transition

• "Get to the Shore": Shift out of the reactive brain into the creative brain by calming your body and mind.
• Don’t Talk: Avoid processing conflicts or telling stories in this state; reasoning is impaired.
• Feel and Express Emotions: Identify and release physical sensations (e.g., tension or tightness) to regain clarity.

Emotional Needs in Reactive Brain

• Crying: May signal a need for comfort and support.
• Anger: May indicates a desire for space or boundaries.

10 Action Signals

10 Emotions to ActionsClick to Download PDF CheatSheet10 Emotions to Actions.pdf580 KBdownload-circle 1. Discomfort 🙄 > These emotions do not have great intensity and are annoying. * Message: This emotion might be telling you that you are suffering from: * boredom, impatience, unease, distress, embarrassment. * Solution: * a) Change your state (Physiology, Focus, Language)

BenCassani.comBen Cassani

By recognizing these patterns and taking deliberate steps, you can transition from reactive survival mode to a state of creativity and connection.

Spirit-Mind🔆 - Creative Brain 🧠🎨

The Spirit Mind originates from Life Force: Fueled by creative energy, including life-force energy as a core expression of vitality. This is your Intuition Brain or Energy Mind.

Actions in the Creative Brain:

• Consciously Regulate Your State: Use focus and attention to influence your molecular structure (inspired by Bruce Lipton).
• Tell Empowering Stories: Craft expansive, solution-oriented narratives that inspire and uplift.
• Embody the Creator Mindset: Embrace your role as the creator of your life and reality.

In the creative brain, "there is no problem"—only limitless possibilities and the ability to harness your inner power.

• Empowers Problem-Solving and Imagination: Drives expansive thinking, co-creation, and innovation.
• Generates Aliveness: Produces a sense of vitality and inspiration, creating a "buzz of aliveness."
• Personal Power: Recognized as the seat of personal power, allowing you to shape your reality.

"You Are the Creator": Harness your creative brain to rewrite your reality and relationships.

3. Frameworks and Tools

a. The Inner Map

• Source: Inspired by David R. Hawkins' Power vs. Force and the Map of Consciousness.
• Purpose: A tool to identify emotional states and move from contracted, reactive states (e.g., anger, fear) to expansive, creative states (e.g., joy, love).

• b. The Reactive Brain Triangle
  • Model: Explains dynamics of conflict in reactive states.
    • Roles: Hero, Victim, Villain.
    • Key Insight: These roles distort responsibility and create unsustainable dynamics.

• How to Escape:
  • Acknowledge your role and take full responsibility for your part.
  • Shift to non-blaming communication.
  • Process emotions to move out of the triangle.

Turn on Creator Mode 🌟⚛️

4. Steps to "Get to the Shore"

Steps to "Get to the Shore"

• Stop Talking: Avoid processing conflicts or issues while in the reactive brain, as reasoning and communication are impaired.
• Focus on Sensations: Use physical awareness, like noticing tension or breath, to ground yourself.
• Express Emotions: Safely release pent-up energy, such as through movement, breathing exercises, or playful activities.
• Shift Physiology: Allow time for stress hormones to metabolize (15–30 minutes) before addressing the situation.

S.E.W. Technique

see: https://evolutionarypower.org/sew-relationshipskill/

Sensations:

Sensations, or "interoception" as scientists call it, help bring your focus back to your own inner experience. Instead of getting lost in the outside world, you can tune into what’s happening within you. Everything you perceive about the external world is filtered through the concepts and beliefs you’ve learned. By paying attention to your sensations, you can better understand the beliefs and mental patterns that shape your perceptions—because, in reality, all of them are open to change.

Emotions:

Following your sensations will naturally guide you to your emotions. For example, tightness around your jaw, neck, or shoulders can indicate frustration or anger, while a heavy chest or tight throat may signal sadness from a sense of loss. If your stomach or chest feels uneasy, it might be fear, stemming from a perceived threat or danger. However, just because you feel these emotions doesn’t mean the outside world is truly offering a threat or loss. Your emotional experience is a reflection of how you interpret what’s happening, not necessarily the objective truth.

Wants:

When you fully experience your sensations and let your emotions flow through you, without trying to suppress or control them, you’ll uncover what you truly want. Your body, in its own way, will reveal this to you. By giving it time and space to communicate, you’ll discover that your body’s messages are clear and reliable. This practice not only helps you connect with your body but also unlocks creativity and problem-solving.

This simple exercise can support clients in processing emotions, connecting with their body, and shifting into a more creative and solution-focused mindset.

This quick exercise helps clients connect with their body, process emotions, and shift into a creative, problem-solving mindset.

The SEW Process: A Simple 4-Step Illustration

1. Complain (1-2 minutes)
   Start by expressing your frustrations.
   Get it all out for a moment—don’t hold back.
2. Sensations
   Pay attention to the sensations in your body.
   Identify the strongest ones, and speak them out loud.
   
   Examples: tightness, pain, racing heart, cold, or expansion.
   
3. Emotions
   
   Ask yourself:
   a) Which sensations are standing out?
   b) What emotion do they correspond to?
   (Mad, sad, scared, glad, or sexual/excited).
   c) Dig deeper with these questions:
   • Mad: What am I getting that I don’t want? Or, what am I not getting that I do want?
   • Sad: What have I lost?
   • Scared: What’s the threat or danger?
   • Glad/Sexual: What am I celebrating or enjoying?
     d) Wonder: What is triggering these feelings? What does this remind me of?
     e) Pause and check: Am I in a creative or solution-focused state?
4. Want
   a) Take a moment to breathe and move your body (e.g., wriggle your hands and toes).
   b) Wonder: What do I REALLY want? What would it look like if I could get this?
   c) Speak your truth in an unarguable way:
   
   Unarguable Example: “I notice my stomach is tight, and I feel scared that my job is at risk. What I most want is to find a solution that works for both of us.”
   
   d) Notice your body after speaking the unarguable truth. You’ll feel more open and energized, indicating you’ve shifted into a creative, problem-solving mindset.

This simple process helps you process emotions, get clear on your desires, and shift into a more creative and proactive state.

References

• Julia Colwell: Website
• David R. Hawkins: Power vs. Force (Map of Consciousness)
• Bruce Lipton: Molecular structure regulation insights.
• Chart - Inner Map

Chart - Reactive Brain

Transcript Summary: Key Points from Dr. Julia Colwell's Session

(00:00–02:00) Emotional Reactions and Resistance to Reality

• Key Insight: Emotions like anger, sadness, and fear signal resistance to reality and moments of misalignment.
• These emotions are not inherently bad but serve as indicators to realign with the present moment.

(03:30–05:00) Sensations as a Gateway to Emotions

• Definition: Sensations are where awareness meets the body.
• Recognizing and acknowledging sensations (e.g., tightness, tingling) helps regulate emotions and shift emotional states.
• Practice: Use attention and breath to explore and release emotional blockages.

(05:00–06:30) Understanding Intimacy

• Key Insight: Intimacy is created when we understand and communicate sensations in a way others can empathize with.
• Example: "I feel tightness in my chest" is unarguable and fosters connection.

(27:00–29:00) Moving from Reactive to Creative Brain

• Reactive Brain:
  • Concrete, survival-oriented, and associated with stress and defensive responses.
  • Cognitive abilities are impaired ("Cognitively Disabled").
  • Actions: Stop talking, focus on sensations, and express emotions to shift states.
• Creative Brain:
  • Associated with problem-solving, empowerment, and "aliveness."
  • Engaging this brain state enables limitless possibilities and fosters co-creation.

(41:00–42:30) Tools for Emotional Regulation

• Techniques:
  • Use physical expressions like "freak-outs" or "tantrums" to release pent-up energy.
  • Engage in playful or physical activities to shift physiological states.
• Key Practice: Avoid storytelling or problem-solving in reactive brain; instead, process emotions first.

(50:00–52:00) Conflict and the Drama Triangle

• Reactive Brain Triangle:
  • Roles include Victim, Hero, and Villain, which distort responsibility and create unsustainable dynamics.
  • Escape Strategy:
    • Recognize your role and take 100% responsibility for your part.
    • Shift to non-blaming communication and collaborative problem-solving.

(56:00–58:30) "Get to the Shore" Metaphor

• Represents moving from reactive brain (stress state) to creative brain (solution state).
• Steps:
  • Pause talking during reactive states.
  • Process sensations and emotions (e.g., through breathing or movement).
  • Shift to a space where clarity and creativity are possible.

(08:00–10:00) The Key to the Kingdom

• Insight: Mastering the ability to notice and process sensations is pivotal for personal growth and transformation.
• "This is the key to the kingdom right here."

Bruce Lipton's Molecular Regulation (11:00–12:00)

• Concept: By consciously focusing on sensations and breathing, individuals can regulate their molecular structure and physiological state.

(50:00–56:00) Balancing Self and Connection

• Key Question: How can I maintain my sense of self while fostering deep connection?
• Sensations and emotional awareness allow for authentic self-expression without compromising intimacy.

Additional Insights

• Upper Limits Problem: People may sabotage happiness when they reach high thresholds of positivity, highlighting the need for emotional self-regulation.

Conclusion

This session emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and clear communication for transforming conflict and fostering intimacy. By recognizing sensations, managing emotional states, and stepping out of reactive dynamics, individuals can create deeper, more meaningful relationships.