🅿️ Pattern - Double Bind

Why

Understanding the double bind pattern is essential because it helps identify and address conflicting messages in communication that can lead to frustration, confusion, and inaction. Recognizing this dynamic allows you to clarify misunderstandings, prevent feelings of powerlessness, and empower decisive action. It enhances communication, resolves underlying conflicts, and encourages more effective problem-solving by addressing the contradictory messages that often keep relationships or situations stuck.

Benefits

1. Uncover Hidden Barriers
2. Avoiding the Paralysis of Preventing Inaction
3. Enhance Communication
4. Empower Action
5. Resolve Conflicts

What

A double bind occurs when two contradictory messages are communicated in an intense relationship, making clear, effective communication difficult. One message demands action, but mixed signals prevent the person from knowing how to act, leading to a feeling of being “damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” This is a common cause of inaction and frustration in relationships.

Examples of a Double Bind:

• A partner tells you to "be spontaneous," but this creates a paradox: acting spontaneously would require ignoring the directive, while doing nothing also fails to meet the expectation.
• A wife wants her husband to make more money but dislikes when he works late. If working late is necessary to earn more, he feels stuck and unable to win.

Straightforward Communication vs. Double Bind:

• Straightforward Communication:
  1. Request: "Bring me a glass of water."
  2. Fulfillment: You bring the water.
  3. Acknowledgment: "Thank you."
• Double Bind Communication:
  1. Request: "Come give me a hug."
  2. Fulfillment: You hug them.
  3. Prevention: They push you away during the hug.

"The only limit to your impact is your imagination and commitment. If you're stuck in a double bind, the only way to break free is by changing your approach and taking decisive action."

How - 5 Steps for Overcoming Double Bind

1. Identify the Contradictory Messages and Their Impact:
   1. Who is giving the messages? To whom?
   2. How are they contradictory?
   3. How does the receiver of the messages respond?
   4. Observe how this affects the receiver’s response.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Power:
   1. There is always a choice to be made. An adult can always refuse to respond or abandon the relationship.
3. Recognize the Internal Conflicts that Led to the Double Bind
   1. People give incongruous messages because they are trying to meet their needs.
   2. Q: What are other ways of meeting those needs?
      1. If you can understand the needs, you can resolve the double bind.
4. Clarify Who Each Person Really Is:
   (Clarify Each Person’s Needs)
   1. What does each one really need?
   2. What is each willing to do in order to meet the other’s deepest needs?
   3. Is each willing to serve the other?.
5. Demonstrating Responsibility and Initiative
   1. Each partner takes note of their own needs and the other’s needs.
   2. What needs are contradictory?
   3. What are the vehicles for satisfying needs?
   4. What would be better, less contradictory vehicles?

In Summary

1. Understand the Two Contradictory Messages and Their Consequences
2. Take Responsibility for Your Own Power
3. Recognize the Internal Conflicts that Led to the Double Bind
4. Clarify Who Each Person Really Is
5. Demonstrating Responsibility and Initiative

Related Resources:

• Core 200 Module 5: Double Binds